Gomen Nasai
by Teena M
Summary: Fuuma reflects on the past and on his current unfortunate situation, as the host of the Dark Kamui. PG13 for the AUTHOR'S NOTES, of all things....


Teena: Anou... Another freaky X internal monologue. Well, it's not quite  
what was asked for.. *grins at a certain reviewer, you know who you are*  
but it's Fuuma, and it REFERS to Dark!Fuuma...  
  
Fuuma: *muttermutter* Writing fics about that wuss when I'm still waiting,  
quite PATIENTLY I might add, for the S&M lemon with Kamui I asked for...  
  
Teena: Pardon? I never said I was going to write that, Fuuma. In fact, I  
seem to recall CRINGING at the idea. Do the disclaimer.  
  
Fuuma: Naze? Why should I help you if you won't help me?  
  
Teena: ...Fine, I'll do my OWN damn disclaimer. I don't own X, I don't  
own Dork!Fuuma, Dark!Fuuma, or any other characters referred to in this  
fic. ...I would like to own Kamui's wedding dress, though.  
  
Gomen Nasai  
  
Gomen nasai, Kamui.  
  
Such weak, pitiful words, but they are all I can think, every time I  
look at you through eyes that are no longer mine. Flimsy apologies for  
what you have suffered at my hands, hands that I do not control. Apologies  
that you will never hear, because the Other is too busy using my lips to  
speak threats and cruel taunts. I struggle every time you and he clash,  
every time I see your face, the tears in your eyes as you plead for my  
return. I fight for the body that should be mine, but I never win. I   
promised to protect you, but every time, I fail.   
  
Gomen nasai, Kamui.  
  
I wish I could help you somehow. If nothing else, I wish I could let   
you know that I am still here, and that I don't want any of this, that  
I NEVER wanted to hurt you like this. ...It's ironic. The Other goes  
about indulging his penchant for granting Wishes, but he never grants  
mine. You would think it would be the least he could do, sort of like  
paying rent for using my body this way. But he wants you broken, so that  
you can't fight him on the Final Day. And my only wish, my greatest, most  
powerful Wish, is to help you, to comfort you, and to tell you that this  
is NOT your fault, and that you need to do what has to be done.  
  
Gomen nasai, Kamui.  
  
Kotori sacrificed herself, so that the Earth wouldn't shatter. So that  
YOU would not shatter it, and bear that guilt. I know that much from   
things Kakyou has said to the Other. But I'm still not sure what she did.  
She said that the Future is not yet determined, what did she see? What  
did she change, to help you? So far, your side is losing, you can't bring  
yourself to fight the Other that comes to you, looking like me, using my  
body and my voice to hurt you. DID she do anything to help you, or did  
she just try to shift your decision to the Ten no Ryu, so you as least  
would not bear the guilt? ...What would have happened if you had chosen  
the Chi no Ryu, Kamui? Would you suffer what I do now, stifling under  
the control of the Other? If that is the case...then I'm happy to be   
here, and Kotori was not the only one to be sacrificed for you that day.  
  
Gomen nasai, Kamui.  
  
I know you never wanted Kotori and I to be involved. I know you never  
wanted ANYONE to be sacrificed for you, least of all us. I don't blame  
you, Kamui, and I wish you didn't blame yourself. We involved ourselves,  
because we cared about you. I STILL care about you, and I'm sure wherever  
Kotori is, she does, too. We only want you to live and be happy. Kotori  
and I both loved you, in our own ways. I still want to laugh when I recall  
you declaring that when you grew up, you would be Kotori's bride. I knew  
that wasn't quite right, but you looked so happy, I couldn't bear to tell  
you so. ...I'm sure you would have looked very cute in a wedding dress,  
though. Kotori and I never quarreled over you, there was no jealousy   
there. We both loved you, and we loved each other just as much, and so  
whichever of us you eventually would have ended up with, the third would  
just be happy, seeing two loved ones so happy together. We decided that a  
long time ago, though of course you never quite realized I loved you that  
way. ...I probably should have told you before you left.  
  
Gomen nasai, Kamui.   
  
I hope you can forgive me for everything. For everything I have done, and  
everything I haven't done, and everything the Other has done, using me. ...I  
will tell you a secret, though I know you can't hear me. I don't fight him  
with everything I have. I fight hard, but not as hard as I could. I have to  
wait for the moment when I can actually make a difference, end this once   
and for all. The Final Day. It's the only time. When you and the Other use  
the two Shinken to decide the fate of the world. That is when I'll strike,  
and keep my promise to you. I will be the last sacrifice, and I will take  
the Other with me. Please, even without us, live, Kamui. Be happy.  
  
Gomen nasai, Kamui....  
  
~owari~  
  
Teena: And there it is. I'm with Fuuma, I'll bet Kamui WOULD look cute in  
a wedding dress.   
  
Fuuma: He's cuter in handcuffs and blood.  
  
Teena: UreSAI.... 


End file.
